Dr. Jennifer Howard welcomes your questions and comments and will be responding to as many as she can. Please return often looking for her advice and support with pertinent life issues. We hope you will understand that she is unable to answer every question here, but if you find yourself needing more personal attention, she is available to schedule an appointment with you.

Josephine asks about her ego:

“I’ve been reading books over the years that talk about getting rid of the ego in order to become a nicer, more compassionate person. No matter how I try, I just can’t seem to completely dissolve my ego, as it always makes itself present at the moments when I least want it there, and seems to be missing in the moments when I need it most. For example, when my husband and I are having an argument, I seem to fluctuate between feeling really angry and not standing up enough for myself. I understand how being too angry is not good spiritually, but it doesn’t seem right that not standing up for myself makes me a better person. How do I resolve this issue?”

Dr. Howard replies:

First, let’s address that many books encourage readers to focus on getting rid of the ego, however, when you say, “get rid of the ego” to be compassionate, I think about needing to have our individual ego or personality as part of the whole of us so we can make our personal choices as to what we like. I like chocolate and maybe you like vanilla. This is why I talk about healing and integrating the ego and not getting rid of it. I realize that this isn’t a popular viewpoint, but apparently getting rid of the ego hasn’t been working for you. Consider this: The result of integrating and healing the ego can open one to the possibility of “an invisible ego.” When I say “invisible ego” it then becomes of little concern. It’s like the whole is the ocean but each of us has our own statement as a wave.

When you say, “Missing in the moments when I need it most,” think about how human consciousness and development is uneven. We can be advanced in certain ways and underdeveloped in others. The first step to resolving this issue is to dig through the underdeveloped parts of your personality by exploring your childhood. The guidance of a professional may help you in this endeavor more efficiently.

Now, when arguing with your husband, what are the real needs you are trying to get met? What is the feeling under the anger? Could it be shame, abandonment, or grief?  (Please check out my full list of feelings in the terminology to see what fits.) What is the belief behind the anger? “I don’t matter?” “No one ever listens?” “No one cares?” What happens inside of you when you want to stand up for yourself? What are the thoughts and feelings? What age inner child is involved in these arguments? How is this related to your family of origin and their dynamics?

Some spiritual teachings have been thought to teach that it is better not to stand up for yourself, but I think that is a misinterpretation. Having flexible boundaries in place allows for greater intimacy and relationship and greater closeness to the Divine or God. That does not mean some angry inner child gets to stomp around and make a lot of noise. This means that firmly engaging our adult parts by stating our needs and going about getting them met is nurturing for us and also our partners. This means the personality part of us is not always driving the bus and we can live from our deeper guidance. Most of us are better to focus on becoming our best self while including our ego. I hope this helps. After you have considered these suggestions, please feel free to let me know how you are integrating your ego.

Justine is struggling with her marriage and asks,

“Why is marriage so difficult for me? It seems when I look around at other people’s marriages they seem happy and at ease. It feels like a losing battle when I ask for the things that I need and my husband just doesn’t seem to hear me or even try to understand. Sometimes I think it would be easier to simply give up asking for my needs to be met and turn my back on my relationship, although I know this isn’t what I really want, especially for my children. How is it that the person I want something the most from is the most resistant to responding to me?”

Dr. Howard replies:

Intimate relationships bring out our deepest childhood woundings and life agendas that need to be healed. Many people settle for less than they have to in their lives, including their marriages. So although a marriage can look happy and at ease from the outside, to quote from a famous George and Ira Gershwin song, “It Ain't Necessarily So.” Often people are sweeping conflicts and feelings under the carpet. Good marriages, as well as good relationships, require work.  No marriage is perfect, and if you have 80-90% what you want, that’s good enough. “Good enough” meaning nothing’s ideal and we’re always a work in progress. However, it’s important to keep standing up for your needs. This doesn’t mean that you won’t have to learn to compromise. It sounds like the two of you are in a power struggle and might need help from a good professional. Marriages are personal development machines, and I’m sure both of you would be happier if you got the support you needed. If he’s not interested, you go do your work and get support. Even if only you do the work, the relationship will change.

Sabrina is concerned about her relationship with her daughter:

“Why is it so hard for my child to be nice to others? I give her plenty of love and attention but it seems like it’s never enough. She even has a hard time being nice to me sometimes, and she and I were always very close. It’s as if she’s angry about something but she doesn’t know exactly what it is. If things don’t go her way immediately she seems to fall apart. I’m running out of ideas and it seems to get worse every day. What should I do?”

Dr. Howard replies:

I’m not sure how old your child is, if she is over 18 months, perhaps she’s trying to begin to individuate from you as her mother. That stage is sometimes referred to as the terrible twos. It might be helpful to read some childhood development books to understand where she is in her psychological development. That said, does she understand that treating other people badly is not okay? Can she read your face, voice, energy and body language? Are you owning the directive that your child treat you and others kindly? Does she have consequences when she acts out? Next time she is angry, see if you can help her understand her anger by suggesting different things that she might be mad about as well as other feelings that might be there such as fear or sadness. It seems that when we are a parent it helps if we can cultivate our intuition. When you say she “falls apart” maybe it would help to teach her how to soothe herself when her feelings overwhelm her. How might some of this relate to you regarding boundaries and limits as well as your overwhelming feelings? She’s lucky to have a mother who cares so much.

Steve worries that his divorce is compromising how his daughters are raised:

“My wife and I divorced last fall and we have two small girls. I only get to be with my daughters two days a week and every other weekend. My wife and I have different ideas about raising the children and I don’t feel like I have a large say in how certain things happen, like the food we give our children. I believe that the girls should have natural, whole foods and even organic when possible. My wife doesn’t really cook and makes what seems to me to be quick and easy, but not necessarily healthy meals. We had a very hostile divorce and our communication is limited and short. How do I make sure that my values are represented in the raising of our children?”

Dr. Howard replies:

First of all, as hard as this might be to hear, could you be harboring any conflicting feelings about your ex that might be contributing to the difficulty that still exists between you and your wife? How can you be the calming rain to her fire? From this non-combative place, as far as the food situation goes, try to help her understand to the best of your ability on why it’s important to eat natural, whole food. Perhaps you could offer suggestions of take-out food places that would provide nourishing food, if she doesn’t like to cook. You don’t really have much control over how she handles the food when you’re not with her. Maybe you could persuade her to go to a professional who can help you negotiate the differences. If she’s not willing to do that, all you can do is educate your children to the best of your ability on why it’s important to eat well. If you believe this is very important, stick to your convictions, and at least half of the time the children will eat good food and will be raised with certain standards.